We all compare, don’t we? We do it all the time, and I’m
certain I’m not alone in seeing how I measure up to those around me. There is
nothing inherently harmful about comparing, but I recently became aware of some
comparisons I’m making that are taking a toll on the way I view myself.
Not long ago, I had some friends and family very close to me
experience some of the most beautiful experiences life has to offer. There were
several events of this nature that happened back to back over the course of a
few weeks. I am overjoyed at the happiness these individuals have found! After
all, I love them dearly. Unfortunately, I recognize that sometimes as I witness
this happiness, I become aware of the contrast between their lived experience
and my own, and usually find theirs to be more appealing. I feel the desire to
find what they have found and achieve what they have achieved. It is not a
feeling of malicious jealousy; I feel absolutely no ill will towards these
people, I just long for the same happiness. As I feel this emptiness while
viewing the situation, I start making useless comparisons.
Now, this process of comparing has been more intense because
of recent events, but it’s usually something simple that begins it. For
example, I remember last fall watching my brothers and sisters go back to
school, realizing my friends and peers would begin their final semesters before
graduating. I felt sadness knowing how behind I would be in my academic career.
I felt pathetic about what I was doing compared
to what they were accomplishing. Many of those I graduated high school with
were getting married (or already were), having children, getting degrees, going
to graduate school, starting their careers, etc., and what was I doing? I was
hoping bowel care would go well that morning, I was going to occupational
therapy to get the smallest joint of my smallest right hand finger to move a
bit more so I could use my hand better, and I was going to physical therapy
five days a week to improve my transfers.
Needless to say, when I compared point to point, it was a
pretty pathetic looking comparison. Yes, I recognize that the things I was
doing were and are important, but for me, success looked like a job, perfect
grades, and a family. You know, the life with the white picket fence, or at
least something that resembled it.
Well, this very thing happened to me in excess last week. I
was comparing and in doing so, felt utterly pitiful. I was with my mom on one
occasion when I voiced some of these feelings. She pointed out all the positive
things she thought I was accomplishing, but I dismissed her points and tried to
prove to her why my life has been a sad attempt at success and happiness. She
didn’t budge. In fact, she said, “It doesn’t matter what you say, I know who
you are”, or something very close to that. We have had these discussions
before, but for some reason this one made me stop to question my habit of
comparing.
During self-reflection I noticed that I have a preconceived
idea of what success looks like. Like I said before, it was marriage, school,
family, and financial security. It was an idea that was taught to me by my
family, friends, religious culture, and society. I was essentially given a
template of success and was told to follow the instructions until my life
matched the template. For some people, this works out and they eventually have
a life that resembles their idea of success (which is great!). But I notice
that for many, it is not uncommon for their lives to take unexpected turns
until their life fails to match up with what their vision of success is. For
example, in all my plans growing up, I didn’t anticipate having a spinal cord
injury. So, as my life progresses, I have serious barriers to achieving what my
peers are on the same timeline, or in the same way. But I find that this is my
problem: I make NO adjustments in my definition of success. I am still
comparing apples to apples when it would be more accurate to compare not just apples to oranges, but apples to
elephants. My life looks so unbelievably different that what the template says
it should look like. This isn’t just the case with my SCI either, I have had
detours in all my relationship goals and future family plans due to my sexual
orientation. Basically, I am everything I didn't plan on being, and doing none
what of what I intended to do.
A teeny tiny light bulb turned on that day with my mom. I
have choices. I can choose to compare or not. I can also choose my definition
of “success”. I really believe that we have the option of assigning the
definition of “success” to new things as we go through life. As we determine
what we want, and what is realistically
available to us, we have the choice
to redefine success for ourselves. This is a necessary skill to develop if we
want to be happy despite being unable to attain our original dreams. I actually
think this is a key to finding peace.
I am determined to find happiness, and I cannot be happy if
I continue to compare apples to apples. I feel a little bit stupid even writing
these words because I have only just started the process of avoiding
comparisons, and I am realizing that it is going to be a long road to adjust
the expectations I have in my life. I have to redefine success to put it within
my reach. Okay, so maybe I won’t have a degree until a few years. Yeah, maybe I
won’t be getting married in the next year, but I have some great opportunities
that I am neglecting to notice. I want to choose to see them.
I understand that this will be a hard process for me.
Changing ones dreams and hopes is not an easy thing, and doesn’t happen
overnight… but this is the process of loss and acceptance. Someone once
described grief as the process of replacing lost hopes and dreams with new
ones. I think we all have to do this to one degree or another throughout our lives,
because so rarely does life ever happen just the way we want it to.
My comparisons only create greater distance between those I
compare myself against. It fosters jealousy and emptiness. I hope that I can
create a template for success just for Carson, one that is attainable, one that
allows me to focus my energy on what I can
do, and not on what I can’t. I hope to be more productive, more understanding,
and a happier, healthier me.
