It was in that first year of my spinal cord injury that I remember laying in bed on a sunny Sunday afternoon, feeling the most despair I had ever felt in my life. I remember sobbing until I literally ran out of tears, thinking over and over, "This is how things will always be. This is how I will live the rest of my life. I can't do this. I will never be happy again. I need to escape this."
The idea that I would never take another step or feel the freedom of an able body was overwhelming. Those words that spoke permanence hit so deeply and felt so true... "always", "never", "forever". My clear dilemma was the knowledge that I could never improve, that despite all my best efforts, I remained in the chair with so little neurological return. Previous to this, I had been so accustomed to finding solutions to my issues, but this had no work around... and thus, great darkness set in. I know that I am not alone, many of you know this feeling so well. This is the nature of loss and grief, and it is part of the human condition.
I believe that the experience of loss is so much broader and pervasive than is usually acknowledged. The best definition of loss I know is that loss is, "the loss of hopes and dreams that are core to who you are, core to your identity". Under this definition, loss extends to all and the many aspects of our lives. Have you ever had a dream be crushed? I think most have... I often hear individuals say before sharing something painful with me, "This is nothing in comparison with what you're going through". I don't believe we need to lose all our mobility, or have a beloved one die in order to experience loss (though of course those are forms of legitimate loss). All loss is valid. All loss hurts.
I recently attended a QPR training about suicide and its prevention. My mind was naturally taken to moments of darkness when death seemed like an appealing option to what I faced. I've thought over and over about what a miracle it is that I no longer feel despair or hopelessness regarding my paralysis, and how confusing it is that I can feel so differently over the exact same situation. I've realized that in all my depressed moments I failed to consider the possibility that I would change, that I would get stronger and adapt. I could only see what would not change at the time, and committed the sin of prediction. "I'll always feel this way".
I am now sitting in that same bed, waking up early most days of the week to make it to campus for full-time school. My life is full of meaningful activities and I'm finding passion in my work and studies. My cup is full (well, almost), and I can truly say I'm as happy and healthy as I've ever been, pre-injury or otherwise. This is something I never thought I would be able to say, "How could I ever be happy?", I thought, "I'm paralyzed". But I am, I really am. That's certainly not to say that I'll never revisit grief and such, but it comes very infrequently.
The future is truly unpredictable, for better and for worse. Previous to coming out or having an injury, I wondered why my life was so perfect and thanked God that it would always be perfect (I chuckle at my ignorance now). My life experience seemed to suggest that things would always go the way I wanted them to, and I had no reason to believe something life altering was coming my way. Conversely, I felt totally jaded after having come out and been injured in the same year, believing that only bad things were to come, and that hoping for a better future was foolish. Predicting life's outcomes is a pitfall for all. and usually ends poorly. Who can predict an accident, or the onset of illness? But who can predict the sudden changes in life for the better, perhaps through a relationship or life opportunity that brings fulfillment and joy? The only thing we can realistically predict is that the future will remain unforeseeable, as cliche as it feels for me to type those words.
Prophesying our life outcomes makes us feel safe, I think. Human beings don't love uncertainty in general, but understanding that I cannot foresee what's ahead actually brings me hope. It is this fact, this unpredictability, that lends to the feeling of possibility for a better future. While we do not always get to choose what happens to us, we certainly do play a large role in shaping our owns future. We can make better lives for ourselves.
I know now that how I currently feel, no matter how low, is not an indication of how I will always feel. There are solutions to hopelessness. I am grateful, deeply grateful, for the human capacity to adapt and change. It is because of our shared ability to do this that we can work through loss in healthy ways, and find ourselves again on the other side of the grief, depression or hopelessness. Life is challenging, and loss is devastating, and I am in no way suggesting that we can all simply put our predictions aside and suddenly find some magic solution... but the unforeseeable nature of life gives us time, opportunity, and hope that, one day, we can leave whatever darkness we are in, and find the light that will provide more meaning and purpose than we now see.
