Five Firsts

Over the last month or so, I have experienced a lot of firsts that I've wanted to share. Some are things that have happened for the first time since I've been injured, and others are things that have happened for the first time in my life. There are many other firsts that I haven't placed on this list, many of which are not uplifting, but I decided to include a bit of everything.

The 1st First: Swimming in open water

I know I have showed some videos of swimming before, but I've only recently been able to swim in the open water for the first time and work towards getting faster times without any assistive devices. When we first talked about me getting into the cold water at a normal swimming pool, we were worried as to how my blood pressure and spasticity would be affected… I am happy to say that neither were a concern (for the most part). Every once in a while I will have a muscles spasm throughout my quads and core that throws my stroke off off, but it's something that I can definitely work with.

In Paralympic swimming, there are classifications for every level of disability. This makes it fair for people who have different levels of disability to compete against each other. I haven't been classified officially yet, but the times I am shooting for are probably between 1:03 and 1:07 to qualify for a national meet in the 50 m backstroke. The first time I swam, I swam a 50 m backstroke in 1:44. My second time in the water (one week later) I swam the same distance in 1:21, and the third time in 1:16. I am excited that progression has occurred in so short a period of time and with so little training, so we will see how things continue! Dallas has been an incredible help to me since he's been home, and is especially useful in the pool.

The 2nd First: Hand cycling

The University of Utah has an amazing program that gives people with SCIs the ability to participate in recreational sports. So, I decided to go down on a Thursday and try it out! It was both fun and difficult, and I have to admit that my shoulders were burning the entire time. I was able to take the hand cycle home for a week and it's been fun to pedal around the neighborhood with my family on their bikes.

The 3rd First: Overheating because I can't sweat
Warning: The photo below may be deemed"inappropriate" by some (my mom ;))

I continue to make new discoveries about my injury... Especially dealing with learning about things I can and can't do safely… and I had one of those "blessed" experiences this week. It was Friday in the afternoon, and I was getting home from therapy and thought that I would get a little extra cardio in. I asked Annie if she would run next to me while I was on the hand cycle, and apparently she hadn't exercised for the day yet, so off we went! It was much hotter than either of us expected, and I think we both exercised a bit beyond our comfort zone. We were both exhausted, but the difference was that she was both hot and sweaty, and I was just hot. I CAN'T SWEAT.

Now this is not news to me, but I didn't know what the consequences would be like if I actually overheated. As Annie started cooling off (thanks to her sweat), my breathing continued at a fast pace, and I began to get even more lightheaded than I normally am. Over the course of three short minutes I began to pass out, while my hands and face started to tingle in a not-so-good way. We agreed to that I was overheating, so we took immediate action to get me as cooled off as soon as possible! That being said, we stripped me down and threw me in a freezing cold shower which took care of the overheating pretty quickly. Thanks to Ann, everything turned out fine. Who needs in-home hospice when you have such a quick-thinking little sister to take care of you?

Ann and I thought this was such an exciting event that we had to take a quick snapshot.

(Don't judge my lack of abs (or anything else), I promise I had some before)

The 4th First: Standing in a walker

I just have to make it absolutely clear that this does not mean that I am walking! I'm not stepping, I'm not kicking, and I can't even wiggle a toe! I currently have no movement in my legs or feet. The reason this exercise was exciting for me, was because I was able to sustain an upright position using my core and minimal assistance. In the picture below, my therapist is blocking my knees to make sure my legs don't give out, as well as pulling me forward by a belt behind my rear. The therapist behind me is there just in case I fall backwards, but he almost never had to help me during this exercise. Throughout the exercise I was to let go of the walker as much as possible and lift one arm at a time and stabilize myself only using my core. I have to admit, I was pretty encouraged. A good friend of mine reminded me that the small victories are the victories worth recognizing. We all have our eyes on walking, but what we need to focus on are the small improvements that improve the quality of our lives. My core may not be strong enough to sustain me in most functional things, but if it even allows me to pick up something off the ground easier, or get out of bed easier, than that's something I need to recognize. Admittedly, this is definitely one of my weak points. I have been notorious for trying to eat the elephant in one bite, if you know what I mean.

The 5th First: Questioning my ability to succeed

Like everyone else in this world, I have found barriers along the way of any path to success. Whether it is in the realm of things spiritual, social, or physical, I have found things that get in my way as I try to achieve anything worthwhile. Some of these obstacles in my life's path have been smaller or greater than others, but while I'm not exactly sure why, I have always been absolutely certain that I could overcome any obstacle that threatened my ability to succeed. Even through some monumental difficulties or conflicts, like finding reconciliation of my beliefs and sexual orientation, I was sure that I would come out on top and beat the barrier to my happiness. This is the first time in my life that I have genuinely questioned whether or not I can do something. This is the first time in my life that I seriously question whether or not I will come out on top. There are mornings when I wake up and see little or no purpose to my getting out of bed and facing a new day with all of its brutalities. There are many times and moments when I feel like all of my effort and struggle is in vain, and has no effect on my journey to find happiness… and it scares me. It scares me to think that I might be bitter after all of this is through, or that I'll be angry at all of the cruelties of life. What scares me more than anything, is fearing that the Carson I once knew is no longer. That the Carson who felt so confident about who he was and what he wanted somehow died with the introduction of this new injury.

 I wish so badly that I could believe and feel that a future existed for me that could give me what I now long for. What I am grateful for, is that there are others who have gone before me with spinal cord injuries, and have expressed that happiness exists in life after the injury. I admit that, because of my frequent feelings of hopelessness, it sometimes feels impossible that that could be true. At the end of the day, I still recognize that any efforts put into recovery has a direct return to me. I am the benefactor of any of my hard work... I also recognize that I have been the worst at predicting the future throughout my life! I suppose I should try and learn my lesson and understand that the game isn't over yet, and that I don't know the outcome. There are outcomes and doors that will open for me that are yet unseen. So I wait. And along with waiting, hope that there are better days to come.

A funny moment: The packaging of my catheters is made of some sort of metallic material, and while trying to open one I accidentally cut myself. My little sister, Kate (9 years old), somehow heard of the incident and later in the week said out of the blue, "You know, Carson... you should think about using your catheters as spears." Mmm hmmm... I laughed pretty hard.

The Video

Friends,

This is a video that I have been wanting to post for a long time. It's an overview of everything that has happened over the last five months. I got to see this movie for the first time with tons of other people during the fundraiser. I have to admit that it was difficult to relive many of the events portrayed in the video, but I thought that it was so well done. Not gonna lie though, I cried all the way through! Thanks to the two friends of mine who helped put this all together. Click on the following link and enjoy.

The Video: Carson Tueller

The Event

It finally happened! I've been meaning to give the recap on everything that happened during my Anything For A Friend Event. It was surely a life-changing event for me. One can try to imagine or envision everything will take place in an event like this, but that was just not possible for me. I could never have imagined the amount of love, support, and outreach that I received. For the first time in a few years my whole family was together, including Braun and Bethany (older brother and sister-in-law) who flew in from D.C..

When we first drove up to the venue where this event was held, I was amazed by the set up, but also felt a bit sheepish at seeing my face at every turn. The colors I had chosen, blue and white, were all around the pavilion, and were seen in the balloons, T-shirts, and other decorations. The event started out with the Star-Spangled Banner, sung by the men in my family, which was then followed by the beginning of the 5K race. I was lucky to have some wheelchairs donated to me so that I was not the only one doing the race in a chair. In fact, most members of my family and even some friends were able to do some of the race with their own wheels rolling along my side. With those in the wheelchairs at the front of the crowd, we all started down the road for the route of the 5K, which led us on a path all around Layton park.

The run was such a blast for me, and I was able to do a lot of it by myself. We had tons of runners come, and have some amazing footage thanks to Jackie and Cathy. As you can see in the photo below, they had a pretty sweet setup to get some great pics. One drives, while the other shoots. :)

The 5K finished with Dallas, my younger brother who just returned from his LDS mission, running me through the finish line. Through the 5K I thought, "Alright, this is all good… I think I might leave this place tear free." Boy was I wrong. 

Some very tender feelings and moments were shared, including a reminder of how this organization originated. Many thanks were given to those who had spent so much time and effort organizing. One of my favorite parts was a presentation of a large trifold poster-board covered with dozens of little glittering stars. Each one of the stars represented the kind donations from some individual. The amazing thing about all of this, was that the idea was all thought of and carried out by children, and one young boy in particular. I was amazed and humbled. Now unfortunately, there are many unsung heroes that participated in a monumental way. I wish to express my thanks to all of those that helped in some way, but may not have received the proper thanks. In all sincerity, thank you.

Following the auctions, we had one of my favorite parts of the whole event. The balloon launch. It's a time when what seems like hundreds of balloons are released into the sky, representing hope and rising above our challenges. I had the opportunity to play a little bit of Be Still, My Soul, on the flute. It was the one thing I thought like I could give to say thank you to all those who have helped me and changed my life for the better.

Even in reviewing everything that I've written so far, it feels inadequate and like a foolish attempt at some of my feelings. I was talking with a friend that told be something that demonstrated her understanding of my situation. She said, "This has all been amazing, and I'm sure it has changed the lives of those who have come to it... but at the end of the day we all get up and continue on our way, and you stay here, with your situation remaining the same." She did not by any means imply or mean to say that I am on my own from here on out, but that my battle will continue.

And continue it does... and painfully. I thought I knew what suffering was like before this injury. I thought I knew what it meant to be tested. But I continue to be astounded at the relentless opposition that I face on a daily level. Some of you may have noticed that my writing has slowed down a bit… I realize that I have been hesitant to write because I have been frequently down and feel like I have nothing positive to say. But I guess it doesn't do much if I only talk about the good of my life. I want to be real, and share my journey in the most genuine way. I commit to doing so! Thanks again to all who read this, or send small messages, or say even the most simple prayers on my behalf. I continue to thrive off of the love and friendship of those around me. God bless each of you for your kindness towards me and my family.