Five Firsts

Over the last month or so, I have experienced a lot of firsts that I've wanted to share. Some are things that have happened for the first time since I've been injured, and others are things that have happened for the first time in my life. There are many other firsts that I haven't placed on this list, many of which are not uplifting, but I decided to include a bit of everything.

The 1st First: Swimming in open water

I know I have showed some videos of swimming before, but I've only recently been able to swim in the open water for the first time and work towards getting faster times without any assistive devices. When we first talked about me getting into the cold water at a normal swimming pool, we were worried as to how my blood pressure and spasticity would be affected… I am happy to say that neither were a concern (for the most part). Every once in a while I will have a muscles spasm throughout my quads and core that throws my stroke off off, but it's something that I can definitely work with.

In Paralympic swimming, there are classifications for every level of disability. This makes it fair for people who have different levels of disability to compete against each other. I haven't been classified officially yet, but the times I am shooting for are probably between 1:03 and 1:07 to qualify for a national meet in the 50 m backstroke. The first time I swam, I swam a 50 m backstroke in 1:44. My second time in the water (one week later) I swam the same distance in 1:21, and the third time in 1:16. I am excited that progression has occurred in so short a period of time and with so little training, so we will see how things continue! Dallas has been an incredible help to me since he's been home, and is especially useful in the pool.

The 2nd First: Hand cycling

The University of Utah has an amazing program that gives people with SCIs the ability to participate in recreational sports. So, I decided to go down on a Thursday and try it out! It was both fun and difficult, and I have to admit that my shoulders were burning the entire time. I was able to take the hand cycle home for a week and it's been fun to pedal around the neighborhood with my family on their bikes.

The 3rd First: Overheating because I can't sweat
Warning: The photo below may be deemed"inappropriate" by some (my mom ;))

I continue to make new discoveries about my injury... Especially dealing with learning about things I can and can't do safely… and I had one of those "blessed" experiences this week. It was Friday in the afternoon, and I was getting home from therapy and thought that I would get a little extra cardio in. I asked Annie if she would run next to me while I was on the hand cycle, and apparently she hadn't exercised for the day yet, so off we went! It was much hotter than either of us expected, and I think we both exercised a bit beyond our comfort zone. We were both exhausted, but the difference was that she was both hot and sweaty, and I was just hot. I CAN'T SWEAT.

Now this is not news to me, but I didn't know what the consequences would be like if I actually overheated. As Annie started cooling off (thanks to her sweat), my breathing continued at a fast pace, and I began to get even more lightheaded than I normally am. Over the course of three short minutes I began to pass out, while my hands and face started to tingle in a not-so-good way. We agreed to that I was overheating, so we took immediate action to get me as cooled off as soon as possible! That being said, we stripped me down and threw me in a freezing cold shower which took care of the overheating pretty quickly. Thanks to Ann, everything turned out fine. Who needs in-home hospice when you have such a quick-thinking little sister to take care of you?

Ann and I thought this was such an exciting event that we had to take a quick snapshot.

(Don't judge my lack of abs (or anything else), I promise I had some before)

The 4th First: Standing in a walker

I just have to make it absolutely clear that this does not mean that I am walking! I'm not stepping, I'm not kicking, and I can't even wiggle a toe! I currently have no movement in my legs or feet. The reason this exercise was exciting for me, was because I was able to sustain an upright position using my core and minimal assistance. In the picture below, my therapist is blocking my knees to make sure my legs don't give out, as well as pulling me forward by a belt behind my rear. The therapist behind me is there just in case I fall backwards, but he almost never had to help me during this exercise. Throughout the exercise I was to let go of the walker as much as possible and lift one arm at a time and stabilize myself only using my core. I have to admit, I was pretty encouraged. A good friend of mine reminded me that the small victories are the victories worth recognizing. We all have our eyes on walking, but what we need to focus on are the small improvements that improve the quality of our lives. My core may not be strong enough to sustain me in most functional things, but if it even allows me to pick up something off the ground easier, or get out of bed easier, than that's something I need to recognize. Admittedly, this is definitely one of my weak points. I have been notorious for trying to eat the elephant in one bite, if you know what I mean.

The 5th First: Questioning my ability to succeed

Like everyone else in this world, I have found barriers along the way of any path to success. Whether it is in the realm of things spiritual, social, or physical, I have found things that get in my way as I try to achieve anything worthwhile. Some of these obstacles in my life's path have been smaller or greater than others, but while I'm not exactly sure why, I have always been absolutely certain that I could overcome any obstacle that threatened my ability to succeed. Even through some monumental difficulties or conflicts, like finding reconciliation of my beliefs and sexual orientation, I was sure that I would come out on top and beat the barrier to my happiness. This is the first time in my life that I have genuinely questioned whether or not I can do something. This is the first time in my life that I seriously question whether or not I will come out on top. There are mornings when I wake up and see little or no purpose to my getting out of bed and facing a new day with all of its brutalities. There are many times and moments when I feel like all of my effort and struggle is in vain, and has no effect on my journey to find happiness… and it scares me. It scares me to think that I might be bitter after all of this is through, or that I'll be angry at all of the cruelties of life. What scares me more than anything, is fearing that the Carson I once knew is no longer. That the Carson who felt so confident about who he was and what he wanted somehow died with the introduction of this new injury.

 I wish so badly that I could believe and feel that a future existed for me that could give me what I now long for. What I am grateful for, is that there are others who have gone before me with spinal cord injuries, and have expressed that happiness exists in life after the injury. I admit that, because of my frequent feelings of hopelessness, it sometimes feels impossible that that could be true. At the end of the day, I still recognize that any efforts put into recovery has a direct return to me. I am the benefactor of any of my hard work... I also recognize that I have been the worst at predicting the future throughout my life! I suppose I should try and learn my lesson and understand that the game isn't over yet, and that I don't know the outcome. There are outcomes and doors that will open for me that are yet unseen. So I wait. And along with waiting, hope that there are better days to come.

A funny moment: The packaging of my catheters is made of some sort of metallic material, and while trying to open one I accidentally cut myself. My little sister, Kate (9 years old), somehow heard of the incident and later in the week said out of the blue, "You know, Carson... you should think about using your catheters as spears." Mmm hmmm... I laughed pretty hard.