As you all know, I hit my six-month mark of injury on June 30. I cannot believe it's been six months, and it seems like so much shorter… Like only yesterday that I was injured. Being at the half-year mark has caused me to reflect upon what I have or haven't accomplished in that amount of time, or how I have or haven't recovered.
In terms of physical recovery, I have much more feeling all over the right side of my torso and left foot. I have back muscles all along my spine and down to my pelvis that are working or firing, some obliques and abs, and some upper glutes. The back muscles are definitely stronger than before, while the others I mentioned are just coming on, or are barely twitching as I struggle to accomplish an exercise. Unfortunately, most of those muscles are not even close to being strong enough yet for functionality. Yet.
Emotionally speaking, I have to admit that I thought that things would have settled much more than they already have. I would have believed that over the course of six months some things would normalize, and that the emotional trauma of such a significant and negative life change would have faded some. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened the way I have wanted it to.
I had a text conversation with a friend about it just last night actually.
Me: "I wonder how many times I can feel it all over again just like it's brand new… My whole life? Well at least I don't have to think too much while I'm asleep. It's my only break."
Friend: "Yeah, what a way to live, right? Looking forward to sleep as an escape."
Me: "Yeah..."
Friend: "Sorry, I'm not helping. I hope you dream about something wonderful."
Dreams actually happen to be some of the only moments when I feel like I did before… let me explain. A few weeks ago I had a terribly difficult day, and went to bed pretty depressed. When I have feelings that are overwhelming, it helps me to write them down and so that's what I did that night. I debated for a while as to whether or not I would share it, but it adequately describes how I feel in some aspects, and especially how I have felt over these past months. I have been tempted to edit some of the things I wrote, but I have decided to share it as it is in my journal, with very few alterations. I'm constantly tempted to sugar-coat things in writing, but I want to stay as real and genuine as possible.
Dream Carson:
"Despite reality, there still exists a Carson who is strong, tall, happy, and faith-filled. He lives on as he did before, just as passionate, hopeful, and loving as ever... he's happy. He's happy. But you will not find him at the home where he used to live because he no longer lives there. He's not at school and he's not at work... There's really only one place he can be found. This Carson only lives, only runs and dances through the temporary mists of sleep. He lives in dreams alone. The sight of him is glorious, as he is exactly as he should be. He is kind and funny. He cares about you and the light of life shines in his eyes. He is, of course, standing, but rarely standing still. He loves to run and leap and tumble through the meadows. This is the Carson of dreams. The true Carson, but one of the past.
As quickly as he is to be found, he is to be lost, disappearing with rise of every sun. A sun which ushers in the morning, when wakefulness presents, yet again, the true nightmare of reality. The fading of the Dream Carson invites the existing Carson. Only, the existing one hardly seems Carson at all. He is none of the things the Carson of dreams is made of. In fact, it is as though they are opposites in so many ways.
This Carson is not happy. He has no hope. Not in life, not in himself, and not in God. He is a hostage to a broken life, haunted forever by the Carson of his dreams. His life seems quite a tragedy. The tragedy is that he was once the Dream Carson . Born with gifts and passion to give, but crushed by the cruelty of life, injured in a brutal way.
Opportunity and potential were his future, blessed with the tools to succeed... But success never came and he was thwarted in his life's mission. The simple mission to find peace and happiness. Unfulfilled dreams became his reality. As if given the desire to sing, but never the voice to do so; given the desire to soar, but never the wings to fly. The individual once filled with vitality and happiness slowly, and over time, faded away... The once ever present smile on his face is now marred by the permanent stains of despair. A voice once filled with laughter and joy is now replaced by wails, and pathetic sputtering sobs. Once grinning eyes are now lifeless, dark-circled and bloodshot. An immobile body lays in the place of a mobile one, crippled and atrified.
Hope is now hopelessness. Faith is now faithlessness. From trust to distrust, and from desire to apathy. Imploring to live replaced by the pleading to die. This is Carson of Life. He wanders aimlessly, miserably. He seeks in vain that which he cannot have, but so desperately wants. He goes day to day, hoping against hope to find Carson of dreams while the sun still shines. Could ever a human desire something so badly? He exhausts his strength and all resources in his search, but no matter the day or outcome, he is always left with a familiar sense of loss as the day slips into night... For Dream Carson only dances through the quiet of sleep, and is not found while the sun shines. Only when reality succumbs to dreamland, does he run through the grass again. He laughs until he cries. He plays the everlasting day away. He stands and he is happy... He is finally happy again, and the relief of finding him again in such a joyful state goes beyond expression.
But Dream Carson fades quickly alongside the mist of slumber, always evaporating with the impending arrival of the sun. A sun that brings pain. A sun that brings the execution of hope... A sun that brings Hell. For the sun brings with it dawn... and another day of the reality that murdered the Carson of my dreams."
Now, because I wondered if this were too much to share, I sent it to a few people for feedback before posting, and there are a couple of things that I wanted to explain. What I was really trying to express was that the Carson I used to know was happy, and the loss at feeling like that very Carson has been destroyed. These feeling stem in most part from my injury and the difficulty I have had in finding things that bring me happiness. I wasn't trying to say that I don't feel like I have worth, but that I long to feel inside like I used to. I still feel passionate about many things and I still care about and love people. Admittedly, I was a bit worried that by posting this some would feel like I was fishing for certain comments or feedback. Not the case.
These feelings have been the common theme of these first six months. I suppose that the reason I get up every morning is because I am determined to find that Carson again. It's similar to what I wrote about in my "Shattered Pearls" entry. I wake up every day hoping to find pieces to my shattered pearl. Sometimes I feel deeply that I seek an impossibility, but I still seek. I recognize that with time comes experience, recovery, and possibility. I also recognize that my happiness must come separately from my recovery. If my happiness relies on my physical recovery, then it is dependent upon something that is out of my control, and that simply cannot be. I must be the one in control of my happiness.
I hope that the next six months are more fruitful in recovery and purpose than the first, and you better believe that I'll do everything within my power to make that a reality. So, here's to the next chapter!
You write like a champ! So emotion-filled and descriptive. You work harder than anyone I know at life. The music is still in you!
ReplyDeleteIt is good that you are expressing honestly. You are grieving a great loss. Just remember though that because of Jesus Christ you will get that dream Carson back if you put your trust and faith in Him. Then eternity will be better than anything you could possibly dream. At that time this life will seem so short. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteHey Carson, just wanted to add a little of my own thoughts to your already awesome vision. Hope you don't mind if I go a little metaphorical in how the natural body/man works. I use the word 'man' with intention. Within the Christian Faith, Natural Man is commonly used and even carries a negative meaning. ...of course leave it to me to challenge that idea. Here's my look on it.
ReplyDeleteDid you know that scientists estimate that the human body is made up of around 10 trillion cells in total. Your skin makes up about 16 percent of your body weight, which means you have roughly 1.6 trillion skin cells [source: BBC]. Of course, this estimate can vary according to a person's size. The important thing to know is that you have a lot of skin cells. Of those billions of skin cells, between 30,000 and 40,000 of them fall off every hour. Over a 24-hour period, you lose almost a million skin cells [source: Boston Globe].
I feel that God intended all of this to happen as a reference for us to look forward to the future. Think about it, we are constantly being made new. When you go to sleep at night, you wake literally a new man. (Personally this is why I shower in the morning, think about all the dead skin cells that you are sleeping in, wash those little suckers off quick {this is getting kinda gross but I had to put a little Kyle Style in this})
Am I the same I was 4 years ago prior to my accident?? NO! Will I ever be able to function and think as well as I did 4 years ago?? NO! Will I ever be able to be confident that I will remember that I even wrote this post?? NO! Will I ever be able to smell again?? NO!! Would I have it anyother way if I could?? NO! Am I a changed person because of all of these no's?? YES! Am I a new and improved version of myself?? YES! Do I live each moment with meaning and actually live on purpose, for purpose?? YES! Is that a new trait I've gained in the last 4 years?? YES! Am I new and refreshed because of what I don't have? YES!
What I don't have now, reminds me of what I should be now, that is that I should be dead. Is it easy for me to pick a beautiful flower, hold it to my nose to smell it and not smell a thing? Of course it's hard. I miss smelling freshly mowed grass, the air before and after it rains, the smell of an indoor pool, or fresh roasted meat to come home to after church. BUT everytime I expect to smell something and don't, it reminds me that I am grateful for the second chance of life that I have.
Of course in the eternal aspect it all comes back. But while I'm here I've learned to love what I don't have. I hope some of this helps. You're doing great as you are, and it's fun to watch your growth continue. Rock on and rock hard, Be Good and DO Good.
Wow! You should consider becoming an author! Your written words are amazing, you would be a great writer. A door has been closed but another will open :) Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHey Carson,
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to post this, but I wanted to tell you about a dream I had last night after reading your post yesterday. In my dream I saw an old friend of mine -- his name is Brian. He and I were friends in high school. (Your dad may know him, since we were all in the same graduating class in high school. Brian and I were unlikely friends: I was scrawny at 5' 10" and 130 pounds; I would guess Brian was about 6 foot and 165 pounds of solid muscle. Brian was a wrestler; I was a distance runner. After school, Brian hung out in the weight room, I hung out in the computer lab or with the cross-country team. I was nerdy, Brian was cool. My hair was relatively short, Brian wore his hair long. We were odd together as friends, but somehow we needed each other. We used to spend many hours driving around and trying to meet girls using his CB radio -- and we would chat about religion a lot. Those were good times.)
Anyway, in my dream I saw Brian again, and I was very happy to see him. Oddly, I found that Brian now simultaneously occupied two different bodies. (In my dream, this was a little surprising, but not nearly as surprising as you might think.) One was the Brian I've always known; the other was in a wheelchair. I shook hands with them both; the one handshake was strong and firm, the other handshake more weak. But I could tell that these two needed each other. I could see that they liked each other, and worked together as a team. Both were at peace with the world.
I confess I don't know what it means. But it was so interesting and different that I thought I would share it with you.
Hey Carson, my name is Erix, I live in Southern California! I've been an infrequent follower of your updates, that is until today when I saw a Facebook post from a dear friend of mine named Laura Skaggs Dulin. She posted your most recent update, the one about preparing for a trip, etc. It was long and profound, it explains exactly what people ACTUALLY go through. Some people's life/personal struggle is not physical (such as yours), for some it is emotional, for some people it is the expectation of others, and for some it could even be the expectations of faith/church, and for some it could be the expectations of society/family/loved ones. Your story and your struggles make me appreciate so many things that I think so many of us take for granted, at the same time it also makes me feel connected to you and to my other brothers and sisters by knowing that we each have our own struggles. There is comfort in knowing that no matter how bad my struggles may seem, someone like you is also dealing with struggles that are equally and often more difficult than my own.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your last blog post I went back and took about 2-3 hours to read all of your posts and watch the videos you have posted on YouTube. To say that you are an inspiration to me would not give justice to how remarkable a person you are!! If all your contributions ended today, you could know that what you've done thus far has had a positive effect on so many people's lives...an impact that each of us wish we could have on others. What makes your words even more powerful is that you do not sugar coat feelings or omit times of despair -- if you did, your words would still be inspiring but I think that they would reach far less people. To know that we all have struggles, that is what helps us continue to fight each day.
Well, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that you inspire and that you are someone who will never be far from my thoughts, and I hope one day I get to shake your hand!! That is all for now, as the poetic Big Pun once said, "Don't stop, get it, get it!!"