Shattered Pearls

When each of us is born, we are given a sacred gift. That gift is like a pearl. Every pearl looks slightly different and each is beautifully unique. Because every pearl is it's own individual creation, it is impossible to replicate one's own, or that of another. The worth of each one is beyond description because it can never, ever be remade. That being said, if the pearl is damaged, cracked, or even shattered, what a horrible thing, because that pearl can never be replaced. No one can give you theirs, and you just can't walk into a store and buy a new one. You've got what you were given, and you have to do your best to take care of it because you have one, and one only. You have nothing more precious, and nothing of greater worth.

As we live our lives, it is inevitable that each of us gains experience. That experience may be exhibited in scuffs or in the slight wearing of each of our pearls. Life is hard, and each of us will undoubtedly have an imperfect pearl over the years. There is nothing wrong if such imperfections exist… in fact, it's probably a problem if your pearl is still as unscathed and unmarred as the first day you got it.

Because life is unfair, and even cruel, there are times and events where one's pearl is destroyed or ruined. In a way that causes us immense pain, some pearls are damaged beyond description. What is so tragic about these damages is that they cannot be undone, and the resulting pearl no longer has the same function as before.. You cannot weld the priceless pearl back together. There is no amount of tape, glue, or expertise that can make the broken pearl whole again. What's done is done,  and all that is left in once power is to accept the reality of the broken gemstone.

Mine is the story of a broken pearl. On December 30, 2013, my pearl was horribly damaged...  I didn't know it at the time, but it was shattered. For the first few weeks I remained optimistic that I would find it again, and that I could easily retrieve the pieces that have been lost. But as time has gone on, and to my dismay, I have realized that the endeavor of putting my pearl back together may be more daunting and more seemingly impossible than I could have ever imagined. As I have piece by piece come to see the horror of what has transpired, a phrase commonly flows through my mind, spoken by my own unbelieving, quivering voice. "I've lost my pearl… I've lost my life..." Because, like I said before, you only get one. You can't replace it, you can't fix it if it's broken, and if you lose it, you've lost it forever. So how do you come to terms with that? With the shattered fragments of what you used to have in the palm of your hand, what do you do? How do you move on? How do you move when you is what has been shattered?

Perhaps it is because not enough time has elapsed, or maybe it is because I do not accept what has actually happened, but I cannot believe that this has happened to me. Night after night I dream that I have my pearl again. I dream that I am running, walking, moving, laughing, living again just like when I had my pearl... And then I wake up and realize that it was all a dream, and that I don't have any of that anymore.

Now I'm home, trying to live like it was before, with very little success. I once told a friend that the most difficult part for me has been standing on the cliffs of decision, looking over the results of a catastrophe, and making the decision as to whether or not I can "make it work" with what remains. The question, "Do I want to do this?" has become, "Can I do this?". Before, the phrase "Never give up!" seemed trivial and somewhat of a no-brainer, "Please. Of course I won't give up. I'm one of the strong ones." But I have found that never giving up is far more significant and compelling an idea when the giving up is so much more appealing then the never giving up.

The quest of life has become a quest to find the lost fragments of my shattered pearl. The hope is that in the smoldering remains of my life I will find a piece, a chip, or even a particle of that pearl. The never giving up is exhibited in a daily never giving up hope. Hope that in that day, a part of the pearl could be recovered. It's a risk, you know. Some days I fear that all is hopelessly lost, but I keep searching. Living each day with the hope that something experienced or lived could bring back a sense of wholeness or purpose that now seems to be hopelessly lost. So in a sense, life now consists of finding life again... at least for now.

So, I go day to day searching for those pieces. I am grateful for those individuals who have proved with their lives that reconstructing a broken pearl is possible. Were their lives fixed? No… Were their problems necessarily solved? Nope, but I suppose that these individuals didn't need to have a perfect pearl to have a wonderfully fulfilling life again. In fact, many of those who have left the strongest impacts on the world have been those who have ironically found true life in the various events that seemingly destroyed that same life. Helen Keller, Christopher Reeve, Viktor Frankl... and so many more. I know that personally, my heroes have been individuals who have recollected their lives into successes despite the odds. They defied the odds. I don't believe that very many people would ask for the trials that test one to the very core, a test that could "shatter" a life... but I can see how the truest of all heroes, are the ones that are made from shattered pearls.