So, what are Spine Notes anyway? Spine Notes are actually entries from my own personal journal, written initially for me, and only me. Because I don't have the ability to type very well due to my limited finger and hand function, I use my iPhone to document my feelings during this time in the hospital. All of those feelings have ended up being recorded in the notes part of my phone, and are under the label "Spine Notes". Ultimately, Spine Notes is a glimpse into what I am experiencing on a personal spiritual and emotional level. I share these personal feelings because I think they give authentic insight to what I'm going through.
As I have faced other significant trials in my life, writing has been a great source of help to me. It helps me to put a finger on my feelings in a more concrete way, and it also helps me find some solution to what I'm feeling, or exposes some flaw in my perception... anyway, Spine Notes 2.
Paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed.
Last night in the wee hours of the morning, I lay in bed muttering that same word over and over to myself. I wondered if the more I repeated that to myself, the more I would actually believe it. It is still so difficult for me to believe that I am actually paralyzed.
This whole predicament is still so bizarre to me. I continue to struggle to realize and accept that this is life. I keep remembering that it was only a month ago that I was walking around, minding my own business, practicing, and getting ready for another semester at school. 2013 was without question the hardest year of my life, and I was happily looking forward to starting 2014 with a clean slate, ready to move forward into new and exciting territory. I had made plans and set personal goals in nearly every aspect of my life, being spiritual, mental, social, and physical. I was ready to go! Just as I was ready to usher in a brand-new year… SNAP. Everything changed in a fraction of a second.
I recently had a break between my occupational therapy and physical therapy appointments. My dad and I went down into the lobby to get a change of scenery. We ended up discussing some of the difficulties of my paralysis. I assure you that the list was more than just a few points long, but one of the things we discussed was how difficult it was to have everything change without warning. There were no symptomatic signs, no predispositions, no gradual lack of function, nothing... It went from all to nothing in the blink of an eye. From one moment to another, my life changed in some of the most fundamental ways possible.
As I have pondered the events of December 30th, I have recognized a significant principle that has helped me through every step of my journey. No matter my circumstance, no matter the nature of the accident, no matter the results of the surgery, no matter the function I gain back, I have the decision to either be proactive or reactive to every circumstance. I can either choose to be the captain of the ship of life, or I can be one of a million barnacles just along for the ride.
For me personally, this is something that I constantly have to battle. I fight to prove to myself that I am in charge, and that I won't let this bring me down. I'm stubborn and proud, and absolutely determined to come out victorious.
I sat a few days ago in bed lamenting and worrying (and crying) about the fact that I have not gained any function back yet. I didn't have any PT or OT, so I just kind of stared at my food for a long time thinking about life, and feeling very sorry for myself. Then, without warning almost, I heard my own voice say in my head "...What are you doing?? How long are you going to sit here and wallow in self-pity??" I consequently picked up my fork, turned on some music on my iPhone, and began eating.
It seems like this principle has been brought to my mind over and over again. It reminds me of a beautiful scripture that a friend recently shared with me. "Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves--to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life" (2 Nephi 10:23)
I learned this lesson initially the moment I broke my neck. Within 10 seconds I was very aware that I could not move the majority of my body. With that realization came an almost instantaneous flood of thoughts into my mind. I immediately thought about the things that I might never do again. Images of myself walking, running, swimming, and a generally active Carson ran through my mind. I knew that that part of my life was gone.
Then, as though something or someone was trying to abate my feelings of despair and anguish, my mind was suddenly filled with a general image of beloved family and friends. This was accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of love both for and from them.
This experience lasted until my father came to my aid. We spoke briefly before I said to him through many labored, shallow breaths, "Dad...it's okay... I still have the love of my family... and friends...That's all that matters...It's okay!"
I cry easily as I recall the tender mercies within the first few moments of that hellish experience. I am absolutely certain that it was the Spirit of God that accompanied and comforted me during that catastrophic injury. In fact, because of that comfort, I do not feel negative feelings when I recall the accident. I am positive that I will never have nightmares of that day, because of the peace that lingered with me as I lay limp and useless. I simply do not associate feelings of trauma to that very traumatic accident, and I thank God for that and know that it was a miracle.
I know it was the Spirit who reminded me of what has always mattered most in my life, and that happiness is always available. I also know that it is He who has taught me through this journey that I am the captain of my soul. He has taught me to look to him, and to trust in his ways. Trust. I have never thought so much about a single word.
My journey may take me through hell, but I will never yield to the howling winds and raging waters that seek to capsize me. I will take control of the helm, and drive my ship fearlessly toward the horizon in an undeviating course to Paradise.
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things..." (Alma 26:12)
Be fixed in your purpose, for Satan will try you;
The weight of your calling he perfectly knows.
Your path may be thorny, but Jesus is nigh you;
His arm is sufficient, tho demons oppose.
His arm is sufficient, tho demons oppose.
(The Time Is Far Spent, Vs. 4)
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