Carson continues to hold steady. With the weekend there is limited therapy. He was having difficulties breathing at night due to constantly being on his back and the symptoms were consistent with obstructive sleep apnea. He has consistently gone many seconds at a time without breathing and wakes abruptly, gasping for air. This results in fatigue and continually waking during the night. Fortunately, he was fitted with a CPAP machine and we will see how the night progresses with some higher quality sleep. The machine forces oxygen into his lungs and nearly always the individual reports a better sleep. He desperately needs it.
Despite Carson's upbeat nature and presentation on his recently YouTube clip, he has certainly jumped into turbulent waters. I use the word "jump" on purpose because he is choosing to tackle this menace head-on. I suppose one can either take a passive or an active role in their own treatment, regardless of what it is. Passivity leads to letting things happen to you. An active role allows you to make things happen---it puts you in charge, but involves substantial risk. Sounds like a investment strategy, doesn't it? In some ways it is. The risk is a lot of discouragement and set-backs, but the reward for actively engaging may be the advantage Carson needs to make it through this ordeal. I often force myself to be optimistic even when I don't want to or don't feel it. I waver at times but can't let him see it. For the first time since the injury we discussed potential outcomes and how we would all cope with this challenge. I saw something on his face tonight I hadn't seen previously----uncertainty, and a more full realization of what this all means. We talked of not walking. We talked of wasting away muscles and altered physiology. We spoke of scriptural references of healing and miracles of Christ, and talked of accepting the Master's plan regardless of what it is. One thing Carson isn't, is afraid. Fortunately, he has an advanced knowledge of suffering and the purification process of having to taste bitter waters before enjoying the sweet. Our family will see him through this. His friends will see him through this (the support is something that continually amazes me). He will see all of us through this.
The English Poet William Ernest Henley wrote the poem "Invictus" in 1875. I think it is appropriate for the situation. It reads:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-Stephen Tueller
